She is every bit as intelligent, confident, funny and carefree as I hoped she'd be. Even more so, actually! I want to be like my daughter when I grow up. Is that weird?
We've heard back from the colleges she applied to, and she was accepted by all of them! So . . . now what? I wish I was the kind who truly understood what I needed to do to ensure my daughter's future . . but I'm not. And I never will be. I feel panicked and overwhelmed and want to run and hide and I fear these opportunities will pass right by. It will kill.me.dead if I manage to screw up her chances for a secure future. She has worked incredibly hard these past three years . . . isn't it now my turn to get the scholarships and financial aid in order?
I feel awful at times that she has to be my experimental prototype. I might (MIGHT) have half a clue by the time the youngest gets to college age. But I make no promises. I feel frozen . . . just about everybody I meet pours out buckets of very useful information on what I should do. NONE of it assimilates. By the time I return home, I sit at the computer and think, "what am I supposed to be doing, again???? I AM supposed to be doing something, right?" And then the laundry list mentally unrolls and I, again . . . run and hide.
I barely graduated high school. If I hadn't been ahead of the game before my senior year, I wouldn't have graduated at all. Thanks to the "higher" diploma, I was able to eke my way across the stage. A lot of circumstance - not much pomp. So I have no experience to fall back on. And there's SO MUCH we need to do to make sure she'll actually be able to ATTEND one of these colleges which has so readily accepted her. And then there's so much to PREPARE for, and so much to DO and so much to BUY and so much to . . .
::breathes into paper bag::
I'm going to bed.