Stuff

My house is stuffed with . . . stuff.  Everywhere you look . . . stuff.  Craft stuff and school stuff and technological stuff and food stuff and cleaning stuff and messying stuff and stuff to take things apart and stuff to hold things together and toy stuff and paper stuff and dog stuff and stuff you step on and stuff you trip over and stuff you stuff into the linen closet and stuffstuffstuff.

So it shocks me to realize that when it comes down to it - all of the stuff that is truly mine fits into one large suitcase.

I'm moving out of my house; the home I've created with my husband over the past 14 years.  I love our home!  I love our land, our animals, our children (not necessarily in that order) and our . . STUFF, dammit.  Yet as I look over this home and everything I've accumulated over time, I realize that all I truly need materialistically is a week's worth of clothing and toiletries.  All I want, even! Who knew?

Just to clarify: I do not for one second consider my family as "stuff."  I cherish my children and have no intention of leaving them behind without a backward glance.  I will continue to love and care for them to the best of my ability.

But I AM leaving behind a life.  My life.  A life built around my own lie, but a good life, nonetheless.  I feel liberated and terrified all at once.  I am free to be myself!  I have a fresh start in life!  I also have no source of income, no plan for how I will survive, no idea how I will enmesh myself with two families at once . . . my head spins with possibilities and fear.  For the first time in my life, however, it does NOT spin with confusion.  I clearly see and accept myself.  I just need to figure out how to fit myself and all of my loved ones on this new path.

For now, all I can really do is love, learn, laugh and love some more.  Because THAT is the stuff that really matters in this life.