Honesty

What does it mean to live honestly?
To be who I am, even at the cost of hurting others?
To be loyal, even at the cost of myself?
Who am I?
We all ask this, don't we?
I am a mother.
I am a wife.
I am a friend.

And I am something else - something that doesn't mesh well with the rest.
I am gay.
Very gay.
No, it isn't a phase.
No, it isn't a burden for me to overcome.
It is who I am.
But is this honest?
Or just hurtful?
Am I worth feeling whole at the cost of my children's security?
Am I throwing away my family for the sake of intimacy?
Me . . . Miss "Team Jacob, what the hell does passion have to do with anything?"
A mother is supposed to sacrifice for her children, isn't she?
Will I split my home?
Will I cause embarrassment?
Confusion?

Or will I show them the importance of standing true?
Of BEING, regardless of others' opinions?
Of stepping outside the box and embracing who we really are?
Am I brave?
Or selfish?
I have suppressed and "fought" myself for 25 years, failing again and again.
But was that enough?
Too many questions and not enough answers.

Last month was spent in a psychiatric hospital recovering from cowardice.
THAT is not the message I want to send to my kids.
That is not the message I want to send to ANYBODY.
I see that, now.
So as difficult as the road lies ahead of me, I shall remain in this picture.
I'm not sure where, exactly - but I'll be here.
Honest.